I am no longer a baby in my mother’s arms. Because of this, I can no longer just poop whenever and wherever. Now, when I cry there is no loving mother bringing my mouth to her breast for sustenance.
It’s a pity, isn’t it?
I am no longer a 24-year-old single girl lying on the beach in my red swimsuit. Handsome young men don’t offer to buy me dinners. In fact, most men under 45 don’t notice that I exist.
What a shame that now at 42 I am no longer who I used to be.
Really?
When I feel myself wishing for the “good old days,” what am I really wishing for?
I don’t know.
When will I learn that there is no such thing? My nostalgia for the glory days of youth is nothing but selective memory.
In those memories I am free, beautiful, unburdened, and virtually unscarred by life.
But is that who I want to be now?
I don’t know.
I’ve traded in my baby booties for a good pair of walking shoes that are taking me down roads I’ve decided to roam.
My teeny bikini has been replaced by a pair of high-waisted pants.
I make my own dinner. And in the summers I grow my own dinner in my front yard garden and cook it up myself in the kitchen I helped create.
My quest to attract the attention of a knight in shining armor has manifested in a 15-year marriage to a man I love, the “adoption” of his now-adult kids, and the opportunity my step-daughter has given me to nurture her baby daughter who calls me “Nana Leah.”
My life is no longer ‘saved’ on a daily basis by a mother who swooped me up when I fell down and bandaged my skinned-up knees.
It’s saved by me.
I have been rescued from who I used to be.
I have been rescued by my self and my choices.
Every decision I have made has led me to where I am today.
Thankfully, in this my 43rd year, I will not be donning any diapers. Nor will I be reaching for my red bikinis.
My definition of freedom has changed. Freedom no longer comes from the absence of responsibility.
It comes from taking personal responsibility for myself and my life.
It’s having the presence of mind to create the life I want to live. The ability to choose what I want and who I want to become.
I am not what I used to be.